Friday, December 9, 2011

closer to the end of the year

hurm...rse sedih plk thun ni da nk hbs....
thun ni, byk duka n air mata....
lot of thing gone wrong...
but lot of good thing came too...
im so grateful...
at least it is balanced between tears n blisses...
YA ALLAH, syukran jazilan ke atas-MU...
ampuni aku kerna pernah merasa kecewa dan pth harapan terhadap hidup ini....
penuhi hidupku dengan cinta, bahagia, dan berkat YA ALLAH....

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

seribu psimpangan...

aku cntakn azwa...sbnar2 cinta....mmg tulus,setia,sabar,spnuh jiwa....xada lgsg yg lain.....dy?syg sgt pd ak...ak pn bleh rse...tp dlm syg 2,ad duri...dy msih lg ad hubungn dgn A...ksih sygnye mnumpu pd ak...tp dy xleh lpaskn pmpan 2 sbb A lbih lme dtg dlm hidup dy...juz hmpir 2 bulan lebih dr ak je.....n dy ckp,dy mmg da byk jnji ngn pmpan 2....dy xnk mgkir...jnji dy ngn ak? hri ni ckp,esok lupe..hri ni remind,esok lupe...ak bkn jnis yg sbar...tp ngn dy,ak tbe2 dpt ksbrn yg sgt dasyat...smpai ak keliru dgn kemampuan ak yg mengejut wujud 2....ak gigih berusaha utk jd kesukaan dy...jd sempurna pd dy....bila saat ak da berjaya,n da hmpir dpt semua perhatian n ksih syg dy,tbe2 dunia kami digegarkn dgn mcm2 ujian... tp ak msih mampu berdiri....tp...ak jd lemah hati...ak mula longlai...ak x nmpak usaha dy untuk protect hubungn kami...sgt mudah prasaan dy goyah bila sesuatu berlaku....ak mula sangsi....betul ke dy cinta,sayang ak? sebenar2 rasa? bkn sbgai sndaran? bkn simpati? ak sendiri mula sangsi pd dri sndri...betul ke ak bertahan slme ni sbb mmg ak kuat? atau ak cuma xnk malu pd fmily hubungn yg ak fight mati2an smpai sggup bpaling dr fmily ni gagal n then dorang akn gelakkn ak?? ak mula bingung....ak xnk,xbleh,n xmmpu hidup tanpa dy....


ak ingat pd zaem...sentiasa ingt...x pnah ak lupa....ak sgt seronok bsama dy...org yg honest...tp hti ak mmg da twr...dy tlalu hanyut dgn keseronokn dy ngn kwn2,dunia bola...langsung lupa ak...tp dy msih lg ucap syg pd ak jarang2 sekali....ak cuma diam....dy mmg setia...slma waktu kami x berhubung lama pn, mmg dy xde pndang orang lain...ak mampu bkawan ngn dy,tp bkn bkasih dgn dy....ak mmpu hidup tnpa dy....


ak rindukn pyan....sgt rindu...sikap sabar dy ckup mngagumkn ak....x kira ak mrh mcmana pn,dy ttp x mndengus...ak cemburu dgn sikap yg ak x miliki 2...tp, ak trauma dgn dy...tp ak x mrh pd dy..x jgk benci..cuma trauma...trauma bile dy tbe2 pilih utk bersama blik dgn D ...lps dy brek lg dgn D, dy cri ak balik...D pn mmg xnk rujuk blik da...i2 perpisahan terakhir dorg...wlupun mmg da ykin kdaan cm2,hti ak ttp takut...lgpun dy smoking...ak mne bleh dgn asap...n ak xthn dgn bau rkok , asap o sbrg bau yg tllu kuat...ak mmpu lyn dy,tp bkn terima dy....ak mampu hdup tnpa dy....


ak ad berkenaln ngn seorang insan...amer...manis orgnya...agak sabar jgk...mgkin setia...dy miliki sikap yg ak suka pd pyan n zaem..tp dy pn smoking jgk...suka hang out..gila soccer...ak ad rsa suka...tp bukan cinta...n dy janji utk jd soulbuddy ak...akn ttp bkawan wlupun msing2 ad pasangan...ak x rse ak mmpu hidup tnpa azwa...cinta ak da tllu sebati dlm tbuh ak...tingkah laku ak bila dgn azwa,msih lg spontan sperti mana ak tga bercinta dgn dy...bila dy ucap syg,cinta,kiss,ak balas tnpe rse tsekat lgsg..ble dy cl o msj,dgn pantas tgn ak jwb n balas...bila ak bgun tdo,scre automatik tgn ak lju capai hp n cll dy,kjutkn dy...td pn,ak da tlukakn hti amer...rse pedih sgt hti ak...amer org yg jujur..dy x ska mnipu n ditipu...org yg ak syg lukakn hti ak, ak lukakn org yg syg ak... rse sebak sgt...berat sugguh ujian keatas ak...ustaz ckp,tuhan bg ujian yg berat pd org yg kuat je...ak kuat ke? smpaikn btimpa2 ujian yg ak hadapi...sejak usia ak kcik lg...kne dera fzikal, mkin bsar ckit,dera mental, da bsar,dera jiwa? ak x rse ak kuat pn...betul ke ak ni kuat? bdn pn kerimping,otak pn ak rse da tggl sparuh agknye...


ak dpt call dr doktor psiko yg pnah rwt ak...dy nshtkn ak hbiskn terapi...ak ckp ak da ok...dy ckp,mmg ak rse ok...xde org gile rse dy gile(kurang ajar contoh yg dy bg kn?)...dy ckp,akn ad mse yg ak x sdar sape n ape yg ak buat...akn ad mse yg ak akn seolah2 jd 2 insan yg bbeza kesedaran...sbnarnya mmg da berlaku pn...waktu si A ngadu psl blog ak kt azwa,n azwa mrh ak gile...ak sgt2 kagum ngn kehebatan pmpan 2 blakon...ble azwa mrh ak ke pe,dy knonnye mrh azwa blik...hakikat dlm hati xtau r cmne...sbnrnye dy ske lau azwa mrh ak...dy rse azwa akn kurang syg ak r...tp sbb nk nmpk baik kot, dy wat2 mrh azwa...ahahahahaha..lawak...lau betul dy mmg niat baik, hati baik, dy xkn wat sbb yg dy terasa hti psl blog ak...ak x mntk dy bce..ak x jemput pn..ak xde caci maki dy pn..tp sbb mmg pmpan yg jenis busuk hti, dy da xde modal agknye nk suh azwa jauh dr ak...sggup reka drama cm2...azwa plk mse2 mmg still pcyekn pmpan tu...smpai hlg pedoman,trus nk mrh2...hahaha...ak on bingung da ngn prangai pmpan ni....haih..sabor ajew lar......

Sunday, October 16, 2011

d most dangerous baits!


  • 7.8 - B  rindu sgt2 kt ayg!: )
  • 21.8 - Hm..ok.b prcye kn ayg! B pn rindu dn syg sgt2 kt ayg taw! B xnk kehilangan lg! B x sggup nk lalui hdup ini tnpamu syg!
  • 24.8 - Love u 2 honey.nd miss u so much.muahh!
  • 3.9 - Xyah ssh2kn dri nk wat sume 2,k? Ayg 2 skrg da tggungjwb b! Biar b ssh utk ayg.sbb sume yg b lakukn utk ayg adlh krna Allah.utk mncari keredhaan Allah!
  • 3.9 - Ayg jgn cdey2 tw? B sntiasa ad d hti ayg,kn?dn jga dri ayg utk b,tw syg?
  • 4.9 - B rindu..b syg ayg..dn b cintakn ayg forever n ever!!..Muahh!
  • 5.9 - Ye..b tw syg..kta sma2 jaga ntra satu sma lain,tw? Skg ni,hanya ayg la satu2nya kekasih b! InsyaAllah,b xnk lg curang ngn ayg! B nk syg ayg wat slamanya! ini jnji b,syg!
  • 6.9 - Assalamualaikum  dn slmt pg syg! Ayg, b rindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindurindu sgt kt ayg! Hehe..
  • 8.9 - sesungguhnya ku merasa indah sungguh hidup ini..kau pancar sinar kasih, berseri ak rsakn. sesaat ku bersamamu, terhapus sepi. Harum sungguh kasih mu,tak pernah ku merasakn. Hidupku dlu kelam, kini bercahaya. PadaMu oh tuhan.. sering ku berdoa..restuilah pertemuan ini biar abadi.. Tersenyum sendiri bukti kesyukuran..dgn berkat kasihmu, bahagianya hidupku.. Tak perlu ad kebimbangan, ku tahu tulusnya kasihmu. Bersama kta sehaluan, memuji kebesarannya. Jatuh bgun ttp bersama, berulam garam pn ak rela. Yg pasti kau ad d sisi, itu ckup memadai...
  • 10.9 - B rindu sgt2..ngn ayg! B sygkn ayg sungguh2! B cntakn ayg spenuh jiwa,setulus hati syg..Dunia akhirat!
  • 10.9 - Syg.. B pg dlu taw! B syg ayg,b rindu ayg dn b akn mncintai ayg wt slmanya! Mmuahh!
  • 14.9 - Sygku Norain,b rindu sgt2 ngn ayg..Rndu x terkata! Muahh!
  • 14.9 - B rindu nk dgr suara ayg..nk dgr ayg ktawa..dn b rindu pd sgala2nya yg ad pd ayg!
  • 15.9 - Love u 2 syg.. B syg sgt2 kt ayg! b rindu ayg sllu.. All the time honey!
  • 15.9 - B sntsa mengingati dirmu syg.. : )
  • 15.9 - kada nuan agik ingat ka aku sayau.
  • 20.9 - B rindu sgt3 ngn ayg! Rse sakit sgt, ble rindu 2 dtg! tiada ubat yg blh jd pnawar selain dirimu! muahh..
  • 24.9 - Na de la yg! B xnk ayg tggalkn b.. Klw blh,b nk shdup smati ngn ayg! B sgt ksihkn ayg,b syg dn cintakan ayg!
  • 25.9 - : ) b sygkn ayg! Syg sgt2! Thx,sbb sygkn b,cintakn b..! n thx,coz jd kkasih b.b mnx maaf kt ayg coz sllu wat ayg cdey... : (
  • 1.10 - Mekaceh! B cyg ayg cgt2,tw! Ingat 2! : D
  • 1.10 - Ok cyg! Im always remember u,all d time!
  • 1.10 - B rse bhgia sgt,bile dri b dsayangi,drindui dn dicintai oleh mu cyg!
  • 3.10 - B rindu giler,b syg sgt2,b cntakn ayg sbenar2 cinta, ngn sungguh2 hti dr dunia hgga syurga! InsyaAllah..
  • 3.10 - Syg.. B nk ayg tw,b rse bhgia sgt ngn cinta ayg pd b.
  • 3.10 - Btl syg! dmi Allah,b bhgia sgt2! B rse syg nk lpaskn ayg pd mne2 llaki. B cntakn ayg,sungguh ak cinta kpdamu..! trima ksih syg krna sbr mghadapi stiap dugaan yg mndtg brsama2 b.
  • 8.10 - B nk cbe sygkn ayg sorg! B nk cbe ingat kt ayg sorg! B nk cbe rndu serindu rindunya pd ayg sorg! B nk cntakn ayg spenuh hti tnpa ad gangguan! B nk cbe rasai kesakitan ayg,bila hti ayg dilukai.. B nk cbe selami prasaan ayg dwaktu ayg dlm ksedihan..Berilah b masa utk smua ni syg..!
  • 8.10 - A-aku sllu rindu pdmu,tiap saat tiap waktu..Z-zahir x menentu,batinku lbih dr itu...R-rndu yg x bepenghujung,tnpa ad rsa jemu...A-ayg,b sygkn ayg! B rindukn ayg!...I-ingin  kuselami jiwamu agar aku kelemasan dlm lautan kasihmu...N-nmun,hgga kini ku msih dlm kbuntuan,tcari2 arah haluan...
  • 11.10 - Syg.. B rndu,b syg dn cntakan ayg! Jgn tggalkn b,syg! B perlukan ayg dlm mnempuhi hdup ni sma2..Ayg jnji xkn tggalkn b,kn? Ayg kta,ayg sygkn b,kn?
  • 14.10 - H.A.C.K.S & K.I.S.S. M.E.      Hanya Aku Cinta Kau Seorang.Kasihku Ini Sampai Syurga. Mengertilah whai El.. ; )



I realize a big things behind all these...sweet words has no differ with sweet poison...
good when u taste it, bad after swallowed..


they were same as drug..superb drug even than heroine...
once taken, u will be addicted to it...no matter how u try to get rid of it,
u will be just like boomerang...no matter how u throw it,u will back into the game..
love will put u through hell...yet it still magnificent...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

sakitnya hati....

lps azwa bckap dgn dy, azwa jd bingung...pas2 tbe2 hub kmi yg dpetaruhkn......ak panik ble bgn tdo,bce msj "...kte stop dlu hub kta ni.." ak panik...bru bkk mate,n still skit kple dek teroverdos ubat batuk mlm smlm,tah ape ak buat...ak ad igt ak taip msej pd pmpuan 2...tp ak rse cm mimpi je time 2..tp mse ak sound dy 2 ak bkn sedar sepenuhnye..ak tga sasau kowt time 2....ak sound dy tnpa sdar spenuhnye...ak mmg x bniat nk cntt dy...ak sdri igt ak da xde num dy....mse gado ngn azwa bru ak sedar hal 2....azwa ckp pmpuan 2 duk wat hal sbb blog ak...knpe plk?slme dy bce ok je..lgpn ak x mntk dy bce pn...haih...xde gunenye ak marah...td da kne attack thp kuat...bdn ak da lmah...hidung pn smpai darah da...xlrt la nk pk lg....Ya Allah...bantulah ak.....




ak rse sedih sgt...
dulu,dy sygkn pompuan 2...
now,dy lbh sygkn ak...
n dy da pn ready nk break ngn pompuan 2...
tp,tbe2 pompuan 2 wat kecoh...
cbe fitnah ak...
potong stim betoila....


bkn itu yg ak sedih sgt...
sbb hal hari ni...
hub ak ngn dy tegugat...
usaha keras ak slme ni skrg seolah2 telur d hujung tnduk...


ak skit hti...
ble pompuan 2 skitkn hti ak,dy xde pn nk mrh pmpuan 2 mcm mrh ak skrg...walhal,pompuan 2 lg skitkn hti ak...
mmg sengaja lak 2....
ak ni,bkn secara sengaja...separuh sedar...
tp dy x fkr pn nape ak terbuat cam2...dy terus hukum ak...


stiap kali dy skitkn hati ak,sng je dy g kt org len...
tp ak x prnah wat camtu...ak tggung sorg2...
tp ble dy ad prob ngn org lain,
dy lepaskan kt ak...


dy sllu sedar yg dy byk skitkn hti ak...n jnji nk jga ak....
...jnji xnk wat lg dah...
tp stiap kali berlaku pape,sume 2 terus lesap...
xfkir pn ttg ak....
dy hukum ak dgn sgt hukuman yg sgt mnyeksakan...
bribu jnji mnis dy tbur,kata nk jga ak..xnk wat ak nangis lg..
tp stiap kali marah,dy hambur marah membuta tuli...lupa sgla jnji n prasaan ak...lupa sgla knangn manis kami...


sampai bla ya?sume ni akn stop...bila la azwa akn bukak mata hatinye utk ak...da letih nangis..da la mudah kne attack skrg...tp stiap kali kne attack,tuhan still bg ak peluang hidup...tp apa guna ak hidup lau ak da xde sbb utk hidup?
mgkin tuhan ad agenda lain utk ak...so dy x bg ak mati lg...
apapun,ak hrp agenda yg baik2 n indah2 je la...
ckupla skit pahit selama ni....amin....

Friday, October 14, 2011

angrybird!

wah...bpe lme ek x tulis blog ni...hm..so tired lately..ditambah lak dgn demam+selsema+batuk teruk...blum lg tmbah dgn beban asgnments...fuh.....seronok ajew......ak ngn azwa? Happier...cuma dy byk mslh je skrg...kwangan,skit hati dgn org lain,n dy pn sllu jgk skit...rse mkin skit plk ak ble dy skit...i dont know much about his probs with her....but it kind of annoying me...not sure why....their probs affect me but not directly...hm...whateverla....yg penting,ak jaga hal ak...rse smkin sihat skrg..Alhamdulillah...rindu nk main angrybird...tp x dpt nak main sbb ad konflik ttg game 2...xtau la btul ke tidak...hurmmmmmmm

Thursday, October 6, 2011

poning lalat eden!

urgh!!!! bengang betul la dgn sikap xtetap pndirian !!!konfius!! argh.. ak pn xtau nk pk ape da.....ak cme mmpu beharap akan ad noktah yg benar2 noktah...yg akn jd titik mati kisah yg menyeksakan setiap millisaat hidup ak skrg ni....ya Allah,benarkan ak rsa bahagia tanpa gangguan ya Allah...rse da x mmpu nk tggung pn ada...dari mne la ak dpt kekuatan agaknye ye?hebat jgk penangan cinta ak kali ni...diharapkn berjaya diakhirnya...xnk la sgle kpahitan n susah payah ak slme sia2...fight to the end!....amin ya rabbal alamin....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

terkezuut i...



rite now...azwa dah tumpu 100% perhatian pd ak...actually,malam dy break dgn A...lwt ptg 2 ak da plan nk undur diri...ak plan utk tanggung segalanya sndiri..wlupun ak tau ak xmmpu...tp lebih baik dari melibatkan org lain..dlm fikiran ak lah...ak x ckp awal2 yg ak nk undur diri sbb ak tau dy pnat bru balik keje...so ak bg mse dy rest dulu...then midnight 2 dy call...n ak dpt tau dy da pn break dgn A....ak terkejut sgt...ak yg plan tp org lain yg bertindak lbih cpt dr ak...n ak x rse hpy pn ttg 2....mmg sblm ni ak asyik hrp ak dpt azwa...tp 2 sblm ak plan nk undur diri....ble ak yg nk berundur, tbe2 ak dpt dy...ak bingung...rse mcm dipermainkan dek nasib pn ada...n ak x rse hpy sbb ak tau,klupun dy break dgn A,blum tntu lg dy jd milik ak...ak fhm prsaan dy thdp A...thats why ak x mntk dy tggalkn A....tp mgkin ini ketentuanNya...now ak da pikul 100% tggungjwb utk jga azwa...n ak xnk sia2kn pngorbanan A...jauh d sudut hti ak,ak bterima ksih pd dy...n ak doakan dy jmpa org yg baik utk dy...now,ak akn truskn usaha ak utk jga azwa...n ak akn tgkatkn lg usaha aku spaya ak dpt isi kekosongan hati dy yg A tgglkn...InsyaAllah.....

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

sy manyak syg sma azwa lor!

harap ak mmpu atasi ujian yg mnimpa bercurah2 skrg ni...harap bonda TERSAYANG tu sedarkn diri dr duk attack ak dgn panahan yg mdera mental ak....ak msih mmpu bertahan smpai skrg pn, terima ksih pd si dy yg setia temankan ak,nasihatkn ak,sabarkan ak,n bg kata2 smgt....harap kebaikan dy akn difahami dek bonda 2...moga jodoh kami berpanjangan...dn smoga kami diberi kekuatan utk harungi cobaan ini dn mbuktikan cinta kami..amin ya rabbal alamin....i love u azwa...

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

mak oh mak...

smlm..ak luahkan sgala yg ak simpan dlm hati terhadap family ak kt mak...slama ni ak beusaha keras utk pendam semuanya..sbb ak xnk mlukakan sesape...tp sikap mak mkin mlampau...mmaksa ak utk bkak pe yg ak pendam...byk ayat pedas n x ingin ak sebut...tp mak kene tahu jgk...ak da x than biarkan dy hanyut dlm fantasi dy...xtau la mak mampu ke x trima pe yg ak ckp..hopefully she will able to see the good side of what i said....peliklah..mse ak  hidup mnderita dlu,kene dera,kne ejek ank haram sbb x duduk ngn parent,kne buli...xde pn yg pedulikn ak...ak hidup bjuang sorg2 smpai la saat ni....tp ble ak mula nk kecap bahagia,mcm2 org wat utk wat ak jatuh n suffer....nmun ak xkn ptus asa...aku ad ssorg yg setia dicc ak..ak akn fight!!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

kisah sebuah bas

hari ni ckup bengang..eh...tlebih ckup da....ak nangis 5 kali smlm....tido pn x lena...hari smpai xde air mata nk kuar...mte ak pdih gle....knape mak x habis2 nk seksa jiwa ak?? orang cakap ibu bleh fhm ank dy...ak x rse dy ibu ak ngn ape yg dy da buat smlm....hari ni punya la blank otak ak...ak nmpak ad bas berhenti dpn ak mse odw blik kelas...ak terus naik tanpe pkir pape....im totally let my leg take me wherever they want....when I'm in the bus...I still doesnt know where I'm going...i juz sit silently...look out of the window....think nothing at all...feel nothing at all....nothing.....last2 ak trun dkt library trengganu yg besar siot tu....tp ak x msuk lib...ak mrayau dkt2 area tu je kjap then naik bas balik uni...kali prtama dlm hidup ak,ak jd sewel mcm tu...haaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! sbb tu ak beharap sgt utk dpt azwa...dy la satu2nya harapan utk ak hidup n happy....Ya Allah,jadikanlah azwa milikku seorang....krna dy mmg x mmpu bsikap adil jika lebih dr sorg.....hm...harap prsaan n kdaan mkin ok....mkin baik n mkin ke arah pe yg ak harapkn....amin....

Saturday, September 17, 2011

atuk! nenek! imu!!

hm...hari ni?? ad sdikit prob....tp xde la teruk....at least better than yesterday...happier...hopefully tomorrow will be better than today....n as day passes by....tp msih lg terngiang2 di telinga pe yg mak ak ckp smlm...awal2 borak bleter psl ak x mkn ubat...mslahnye tga sengkek kowt...tp ak xnk mak tau...ak xnk dy rsaukan ak...mak skrg ad pnyakit...nk kne uruskan hal rumah sendirian mmndangkan ak da xde kt rumah skrg...nk kne pk kne pndah rumah sbb rmah skrg 2 da tmasuk dlm tnh krjaan lg....ak ak msuk uni ni pn sbb azwa ckp nk tggung...ak x rela pn msuk uni...lau bleh ak nk keje je...lau x mmpu tlg fmly pn at least bleh krgkn bban mak utk pblnjaan ak...ble msuk uni,ak x nmpk azwa mmpu tggung ak...dy pn mkin kritikal...ak rsau sgt ttg dy...ak mula buat plan....ak plan nk bhenti blajar senyap2 then keje senyap2....xyah harap pd azwa o mak da...lau mak o dy tnye cmne study,ak jwb ok je la...nk keje ape ye...tga pk r skrg...nk kne cri tmpat tggal lpas 2...rsenye psl 2 xde mslh sgt kowt...nk cri keje je r prob ckit...hurm...tp mmg kne buat scre rahsia btul2 r...hrp2 pihak uni xkn hntar notis yg ak bhenti kt fmily  lau ak kua nti...haih..kadang2 ak beharap TPM mngaku ak adlh ank dy yg da lme hilang...hahaha...ak xnk jd ank najib...timbalan dy ok r..huhuhuhu...mrepek aje la ak ni yer....ni la sikap ak ble da pressure sgt2....blum gile je...mak..maafkn anakmu ini...tpksa ak mbuat kptusan tanpa pngetahuanmu....ak cuma x ingin menjadi punca pnyakitmu mnjadi serius...ak hrp sgt,ak xkn wat pape yg bleh trigger heart attack mak ak...amin...biarlah ak tanggung ksusahan ak sndiri...ak bukan mmbesar dgn mak pn dulu...dpt je jd dewasa cmni...xknla ble da dewasa mkin xleh hdup tnpe mak kn?? hidup dgn abah jauh skali..x pernah rse lgsg...smpai dy mninggal pn ak rse susah nk nangis...rindunye pd arwah atuk n nenek...sume yg ak syg pergi...azwa satu2nye yg ak ad...2 pn ak msih perlu bjuang utk dptkn dy....ya Allah, benarkn ak kecap bahagia sementelah segala derita yg ak alami sejak kcil hingga kini...amin...

Friday, September 16, 2011

slmt pengantin baru...

warghh panas tol  hati hari ni!! urgh...tp tpaksa sabar jugak...mggu ni mmg sikap dy dingin sgt...mudah melenting,mudah merengus,mudah tacink....nsib baik ak fhm la jgk....mggu ni sukar utk dy sbb imanina kawen...tp ad ktika ak x dpt trima wlupun ak fhm....ak rse sakit sgt ble dy sedih....ak rse pedih sgt ble dy dingin sbb otak bkcmuk gara2 orang 2...hm...sampai gado la jgk...agak teruk gadonye....tp alhmdulillah slesai mlm nye jgk...tp 2 pn x spenuhnye...ttp jgk ak dpt habuan yg memeritkan hati....tp mmg org sllu ckp,pe yg kte mkin nk,mkin byk dugaannye...ak akan beusaha utk menangi hati azwa.....ak ni mmg x mmpu nk lyn laki len lgsg wlupun bebaris line yg tggu ak....ak mmg xde rse lgsg kt org len...pd pndangan ak,ak x nmpak pn dorg 2 laki...ak nmpk n rse dorg cm kwn pmpan je...ak harap azwa pn rasakn mcm 2....ak tau yg ak yg paling sygkn azwa..plg perlukan dy...n plg bleh jaga dy....itu mmg pasti....ak hrp sgt,azwa akn terbukak hatinya utk sedar hal ni...ntahla....ak pn xtau pe prsaan n fikiran ak skrg...bkcamuk!! semoga Allah s.w.t. bantu ak...amin ya rabbal alamin....

Monday, September 12, 2011

all in one

wah!!! agak byk yg blaku hr ni....tp xde smthing yg teruk....alhamdulillah....rse teruk brada kt cni tu da mkn neutral cikit....makan minum pn da makin terurus....hub cinta pn ok (d most important)....haha...azwa ad crite..kwn2 tmpt krja dy ad rse x puas hti cikit r ngn ak...sbb dorg tgk azwa sanggup ikut nasihat ak dalam jge ksihatan...ak mntk dy bwk towel kcik ble kua rmah sbb rsau lau kne hujan, klau x lap bdan cpt2 nti akan bg kesan buruk...dy kn mudah sakit...ak x kasi dy mnum ais,air bergas,kopi...ak x rse salah pn sbb pe yg ak sruh tu sumenye utk kbaikan diri dy...xpela...peduli ape ngn org lain...yg penting ak jga buah hti ak elok2....ak nk jadi teman,sahabat,kekasih,isteri(bakal..insyaAllah),doktor n nurse dy.....ak nk jadi org yg terpenting dlm hidup dy...


nape ble ak bahagia,ada2 je org yg cbe jd kacang hantu?lau ad yg x puas hti,sori r beb...kubur sendiri2....xde kaitan ngn korg....nk jge tepi kain org xpe..mmg ad pntingnye prihatin pd org lain...tp jgn r smpai nk usik2 o msuk dalam kain lak....jge dr luar dah r....kan3?? knape nk dengki ngn org...org yg dapat pape 2 dorg dpat sbb usaha...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

sy da jd mahasiswi!

ahahaha!!! after 5 month inilah first time ak on9....fuh....semput seh bru msuk uni ni....sakit jiwa la kejap....mujurlah ad someone tercinta yg selalu mnemani ak....Alhamdulillah Allah kirimkan seseorang yg ak rse dy la cinta terhebat n yg plg pure ak pnah dpt.....ak bjanji pd diri ak, ak akn jaga dy,hub kmi sepenuh hati n sehabis daya....ak xnk sia2kn apa yg dy da buat pd ak...dy da gagahkn diri utk memilih ak wlupun trlalu sukar bg dy....today genapla umur 20 ak...urgh...rse agak sengal la sebab da x belasan tahun lg da!! xpela...yg penting,ak akan sntiasa berusaha baiki diri untuk jd yg lebih baik sampai saat nyawa ak dicabut....hm..pasni ak akn msukkan diary yg ak simpan...azwa ainuddin ahmad zahari...i love u till my last breath.~norainuddin~

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

kesakitan kekakian

hr ni hr ke4 orntasi....but im not joining because of the pains ive got from the last long run...pretty troublesome...im staying in my room but i cant sleep....mlm td x ckup tdo...n i had fight with him...luckily,we have getting better this morning...but not completely good yet...he is in depression...he said,maybe because he was thinking about his ex whom getting married this month...n for extra, i think he lost his spirit cause he got a bad dream recently...i do have weird dream too...i dreamed there are lot of people gathering together,including my fmily...it did frighten me a bit....there is say that if we dream of people gathering,mostly it will be a death... whatever it is,i really hope that there's nothing worse thing happens....n i hope,he will recover his lost spirit n we can be in nice air like always...ilyn!!

Monday, August 15, 2011

the mask of elle..hehehe



mmg btulla...ak ni x pndai sgt myenangkn hti org.....ak tunjuk keinginan nk bckap lame2 pn,org x slese....ak cme tkt dy pk ak xnk dy je...thts y ak cbe tunjuk yg ak nk ngn dy....lau ak x tnjuk,tkt dy pk ak ni xnk kt dy o ad org lain...hmm..susahnye nk puaskn hti org ni...mgkin dy da boring...kerap sgt cntact.....jd ak pn decide utk buat sistem bru...xleh bckp lbh dr sejam dlm sehari...bru la ad rse rndu kn?? tp xmampu...akhirnye ktorg tetap mcm byse...haha


ak xtau nk label hub ni cmne...due2 da alami byk pngalaman pahit dlm hidup o bcinte....tp ak dpt lihat kekuatan ak jauh melebihi dy....mgkin sbb ak lbh byk kali frust...so imune ak lg kuat....should i be glad for that???haha....actually ak pn lemah dalaman..luaran bkan main brutal....rse mcm pkai topeng plak..haha....tp better dr lemah due2 kn? Tp ak tetap berusaha perbaiki diri...ak x pandai jd gf....so ak akan trus blajar jd psngn yg baik...tkt byk lukakn hti org dr gmbirakn dy....haih...ya tuhan,berikanlah kami kekuatan hati dan semangat,agar kami terus-menerus dpt mengikuti cahaya sucimu dan x hanyut dlm kegelapn hati kami...amin ya rabbal alamin.......

Monday, August 8, 2011

popeye the sailorman..tut tutt!



ngeh3....kopak r gua lagu ni!!! xde lgsg mslh yg da beres...tp alhamdulillah...ad jgk teman skrg....azwa nmenye...xpernah ak jumpe....ape yg mnmbat hti ak,cme sbb mse dy sygkn ak,dy mmpu ucapkn syg n nkkn ak wlupun x pernah tgk ak...kali prtama berlaku dlm hdup ak....ak ckp ak x cntik pn,dy pcye n trime seadanya....dy bkn gagah pkasa..bkn artis glemer...xkaya...rupa xtau cmne...bkn keje grand2...cume seorang insan biasa..biasa sgt.....dy pn bru frust...tp yg teruknye,dy tlampau terbawa2 dgn ksh silam....mcm tutup pintu hti dy utk mse dpn...mcm hdup dlm sejarah....ak pn da mula penat....byk kali jgk dy mnyinggung prasaan ak....dy msih kenangkn org lame....selalu compare ak scre x sedar.....ak sabar lg....ak fhm....ak sdri pn byk pngalaman pahit....tp ak x prnah plak ttup pntu hti ak utk mse depan.....kalaulah ak buat mcm tu,da lame ak jd ratu disco ke per....alhamdulillah ak msih terpelihara...kubu ak msih blum hancur....gunalah simen cap gajah!! gerenti superpower!! haha... Actually,ak harap ak mmpu bwk dy hdup smule...sbb ak fhm sgt2 camne prasaan ble tga frust,mati harapan,hilang cahaya hidup, tp xde sape hulurkn tgn utk membantu...utk bg kekuatan....ak bangkit sdri...see?Ak byk mkn spinach...so kuat mcm popeye....huargh3....come on,buat per sedey2....xkn bawak bnda baik pn...mbazir tnaga otak pkkan hal lame....org wat jht ke,x hargai kte ke,abaikn kite ke,tgglkn kte ke,...sume tu cume test je...mainan hdup je...lepaskan da r....watpe nk pk o nangis? dapat 1million ke? 1 billion pn x berbaloi tau....life goes on...dont let it stuck my dear!!! It will juz give u more pains!!!! larger wounds!! bigger scars!!


U hav to make yourself glowing,blooming.....if not, u will stay dooming n glooming...

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

love me..hate me..love me..hate me..love me..

ptt ke ak tgglkn dy kerana ak tlalu sygkn dy n xnk dy besusah kerana ak?? kejam ke klu ak wat cm2?? ak nk bhgiakn dy...bkn jd beban pd dy...ak rse truk sgt lau wat dy susah...dy da lalui byk ksusahan sblm jumpa ak....jd ak nk jd kelegaan pd dy....bkn pnmbah ksusahan....ak cintakn dy...sungguh2 ak sygkn dy..slme ni,mak byk prasangka buruk pd dy...mak pkir dy mgkin cme tipu ak dgn kisah hdup dy.....tp ntah knape ak lgsg x bdaya nk pdulikn kata2 mak...ak pcyekn azwa separuh mati....ak xmntak emas pmata,kreta mewah o aset bjuta....ak cme nk hdup dgn dy....bhgia dgn dy....ak cme nk cintakn dy spenuh hti ak.....ak x ksh org nk ckp ak bodoh sbb berimpian mcm 2....yg ak pdli cme la kbhgiaan yg lahir tulus dr hti...kbhgiaan kerana ksh syg yg ikhlas....ak x prlukan harta btimbun....ak prlukan ksh syg n kesetiaan yg ikhlas n bkekalan....mgkin ak x lyk....mgkin ak ptt lpaskn dy....lg bgus dr mnyusahkn dy...azwa,i love u...

Friday, July 15, 2011

bubye zaem....

ahaha....at last,ak da kehilangan semua prsaan ak pd zaem...usehe ak untuk pulihkn hubungan ni cume btepuk sblah tgn...x dpt krjasama lgsg...bengang jgk an....watpe lg ak nk desak dri....wat malu kaum je...baik blah terus....good things that i able to keep myself busy so i dont really think of him....well,here we go...once again,my ex-list has a new name on it.....skrg ni ak mls pk psl laki da...x larat nk tgk list tu mkin btmbah...maybe i should go on with my mom's idea...nikah aje ngn sape yg dtg mntak...xyah pk psl cintan cintun suda.....lau xbleh,amik ank angkat n then hidup sdri.....sonang kijo ae......

Monday, May 2, 2011

C A C A T



ak tkt dy tluke...ak xnk dy kcwe.....what should i do????? laula esok dy tmankan ak blik phg...lg naya.....ape ak nk ckp nti....pndg mke dy pn x sggup kot....ya Allah....ak btl2 sygkn dy.......ak x pnah rse sbgini bsar prasaan pd sseorg.....ak igt naz la yg plg ak syg...tp ngn zaem,ak rse lg syg dr naz.....ak lgsg x sggup dy tluke o rse susah kot....ak pn x fhm....mcm mne ak bleh syg dy smpai mcm 2 skli.....sbb dy lg care ak ke...ak rse sbb 2 la kot...mmg dy care ak plg dasyat pnah ak rse.....uhhhh........


org yg ad kecacatan...tau ape yg plg org plukan?? org yg dorg syg menerime dorg seadanye.....
stiap org ad kecacatan sdri...xsmestinye cacat anggota badan je...lau org 2 pnah lakukan ksilapan pn n dorg sgt mnyesal akn kslpn 2, i2 jgk dikategorikan sbgai salah stu kecacatan....org yg cacat anggota bdn mmg kte xleh nk ckp dorg wat silap...org yg smpurna anggota ni,ksilapan dlm hdup dorg la yg akn jd kecacatan dorg.....sbb 2 ada kata2  - "xde org yg sempurna...."

Sunday, April 3, 2011

whatta big day......

very occupied day......pg td bce manga on9 smpai awl ptg...pas2 kua g masjid tanah...shopping ckt....hbs jgk 60....xpela....jarang2....kne jgk kua dr bangunan x berplaster ni skli skle.....mlm nk join bdk ni wat BBQ...tp some unpleasant things happened....xpela...nsib...ad sorg bdak ttumpahkn air atas ak....then ble ak blah nk g basuh, ak terckp 'ergh!!' odw ak nk g toilet....actly ak wat cm2 sbb nyesal mandi sblm join...mne xnye...bru 10 mnit mndi da kne bsuh bdn blik...ble ak return kt tmpt BBQ,ak nmpk r bdak 2 duk ngumpat ak ngn kwn dy...x ke jahanam? da r wt sala, pas2 ngumpat lak.....celake gle....mood ak mmg hncur gle...lau ak stay gak kt c2,msti spoil kn dgn mke bengang ak....so ak blah r.... ak rse ak da wat bnda yg x selfish...ak hallkn je mknn 2....lgpn xde sbb ak nk stay c2...xde org alert pn mse ak smpai...ak yg tersorong2 bdamping ngn org....ak g blik elena,pas2 g blik ayu...ak x cite pape kt dorg...yg ak fokus is nk cover bengang ak...bdn ak da mgletar sbb thn pressure....mse dlm blik ayu, ad la sorg kwn yg ak anggap kwn baik ak..ak sgkekan dy dtg blik 2 sbb concern ak tgglkn parti BBQ 2...ak ckpla 'xyahla tggu ak...g la...ak ok..anggap je ak xde kaitan ngn event 2'...know what she say? "ad ak ckp ak ttgu ko? Ape function ak tggu ko?"....pergh...gle tsentap jiwe ak mdgrnye......ak btepuk sblh tgn...ak sgke dy concernkn ak....wahahaha....thn gle2 pasaan time 2.......ble dy nk lah...dy juz ckp bye kt sorg bdak blik 2....x ckp pn kt ak rsenye...tp lme pas2 ak cm dgr 'bye el'....cm sayup2 je r..xtau r ak sla dgr ke pe...btmbah bara kt hti ak...haha....bdak yg spitkn air kt bju ak?xde pn dtg mntk maaf btul2 ngn ak...walhal dy sah2 tau ak sblah bilik dy....mse dy ckp sory time tmpahkan air 2 pn sory dlm ktwe....wei bapak lu bjambul mntk maaf smbil ktwe!!!! lau juz terwat sala mse tga galak2 ak trime r ko ckp sory dlm ktwe.....ko da nyusahkan org btl2..mntk maaf btul2 la!!!!!! Mmg sumpah nk aje ak hrp bdak 2 pth tgn jap ag...tp ak thn je.... Ak rse seboyish2 ak pn ak lg tau adab(alhamdulillah dan hrp akn mkin improve) dr bdak yg knon feminin hbis,jln mendada, tonggeng bontot, ad brg2 mahal.... MADAFAKAH!!!!!!! whatta hell duk pkai heels lau adab ko jauh lg rendah dr tapak kaki babi??????

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

hopefully it is a real final hurt...

Last monday, he said it very clearly than before...."yup dats rite dear,u r juz a tools,doll,slave to me.nothing more than that.gdbye"....even though I knew it earlier, but its still hurt me so much when he said that....its like I got hurt in a pool that full with blade of gilette brand.... I can't do anything about that..I have to leave such bastard... I don't care about myself anymore..rite now, I want to take care of mom...I'm sure she didn't gave birth of me to see I'm ruining my life juz bcoz of a guy that couldn't be able to consider either human or animal...he is far worst than that.. I'm begin to collect my broken self piece by piece....even very slow, better than keep myself shutdown rite... I still hav my world...I got mom,friends,sibling.... I still breathing even I felt dead.. doesn't that means Allah still hopes me to get arise again??? I had failed a lot in many things but I shouldn't failed on this matter... I want to prove that I'm strong inside me... not juz behave like boyish but crybaby.... I don't want to cry anymore! I want to save my tears for the time I'm successfully rise again someday..I wanna give out tears of joy,grateful,proud.... not for that supershit naz or other guy of that....  MEN R SUCKS! Believe me naz...nothg goes well for u after this.....I don't wish u bad but I don't wish u well..... I have take some step to arising....first, i cut my hair like b4 i met that bastard....second, I keep listening to 'I Will Survive' song as burner for my frozen heart....third..I begin to be occupied with fun things with friends...next, I'm not sure yet...hehe.... Hopefully everyone will support me... Cheers for the arising!!! Yeah!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

sEnGaL...

finally...I understand the stories behind me....he never loved me..he just acting all nice to bait me up...so that he can use me to accomplish his tasks...he keep coming 2 me when he have assignments especially subject that use english....it was almost like I'm replacing his place....after I done,he just left n cheering happily with his friends...he didn't even look at me when we bump into each other....when I'm going 2 shopping,he ask me 2 buy his things..when I'm reject it,he got mad n said ''if we don't contact each other at all is fine as long as U buy what I wants''....he even said by himself that all nice characters of him r fake... I have to admit that he is really a good actor...d impact was too huge for me to take...I really want to believe that he loves me...4 real....but I cant force the fact to change as my desires wanted to be....


I don't know how long it will take for me to be able accept the unwanted fact.... but I tried to think positive....all my memories n experiences with him thought me so much thing....n I had changed a lot since I met him...I tried to be more feminine, less stubborn, tolerate, patience, softness, lessons...I promised my self to be better and better..so that I can be a good partner to my next guy(if God willing..hehe)...I promised myself to be d best partner so that he can regret of unappreciate me.... Theres no meaning of mourning about such fakah,jerk,backstabber,bastard,keji,meany like him right? kate zaa, let begone be bygone.... Dunia blum kiamat....esok msih ad....ak pn msih bnyawa.... kejamnye aku lau aku sia2kan usaha mak aku lahirkan aku lau aku habiskan hdup aku dgn mnangisi seorang laki yg x lyk lgsg dipanggil mnusia..kucing aku pn lg mulia dr dia...hmph! Lastly, aku harap akan dapat seorang lelaki yang lebih baik lepas ni..yg mampu bimbing aku untuk jd pasangan yg baik n mmbahagiakan....amin ya rabbal alamin

Monday, February 28, 2011

whatta great play...

hes been toying me far a long time....he kept forcing me to accomplish all he wants... make him cake, do his project assignments, buys what he wants... n i did those even i didn't feel volunteered to do....every time he come to me, he will bring the task that he want me to finish for him...when there is no task or the task done, i was left juz like nothing... at last i woke up....i want to stop letting him using me....i started to build my own self n stand... I felt so stupid for letting go z... he is d nicest guy I've ever had.... Oh god i really wish i can redo the time n naz haven't born to diz world so i wouldn't know him at all... if juz i could be back with z diz time, i won't ever repeat the mistake....i will stay with him how matter busy he is....god...pliz give me ur miracle.........

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

its all dreams...

'i love u', 'i really2 need u in my life', 'i will take care of u forever', 'im the most important in his life'...lots more.... I really cant believe the guy that told me all these left me rite now...y cant he see my sacrifices? i let go of a very nice guy 4 him...i train myself to be better,adorable girl...just need times... at least im better than him whom never even try to change for better at all... and now,he said im so worst,n keep hurting me by lot of harsh n sharp word bluntly....he want a very nice partner??? Does he being a nice partner?? NO! not at all! i keep staying by his side bcoz i love him. I dont want to waste after what we had been through...he once kept saying about matured relation...is he into it ? no! i really wish he will having the worst life ever after this...really wished...keep ur eyes open, bullshit....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

confused feelings....

last night,he suddenly talk softly to me.....I'm shocked...I never expect even word "sorry" from him after what happen in the evening....he said some sweet talk.....It warmed my heart a bit...but at the same time...I'm scared.... I wonder what his objective of being so soft with me....I think lot of bad things because I scared of being disappointed again...what if it just a bait? I want to believe those sweet words I didn't feel it is safe....I knew he is the only one that can give me a feeling that anyone couldn't give...the feeling of needed by someone....the feeling of happy when someone doesn't want me to leave...feeling of being hold on....feeling of being watched a lot during having conversation or talk....happy when he always easily get excited n exaggerate when being with me...easy to feel 'geram(not 'geram' of mad)' with me...he never forget to buy me chocolate each time we have opportunity to buy it....its not the chocolate that make me happy....Im happy because he concern on me...he remember of me...he think of me....sometime I felt my tears want to get out because my heart touched but I try my best to hold it back... Only with my real naz, I can feel those feelings....but the now-he never give me that feeling...he is completely different in every aspect from the old-he...... I already lost my hope that the old-he will come back to me....I waited for too long......I'm so tired of it........

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

its very hurts......

He asked me to call Celcom to terminate his bband after it was stolen yesterday..... I have experience talking to the operator so I knew a lot of its procedure... few weeks ago my brother asked me to terminate the bband under my name that I gave to him. His friend took away the bband witout paying the bills.... my bro doesn't want my name being blacklisted so he ask me to cut off the line...he tried to call Celcom himself but the operator said that the process can be done by the owner of the bband only except if the owner was passed away... few days ago I did call Celcom and the line was cut. 

Now back to the early story...after he asked me to call the operator. I told him that the owner must speak by self... I told him it would request mother's name and the bband number other than IC number....suddenly he got mad and talk harshly to me.... He brought up that I've been borrowed his bband before n now I'm being hard to help.....he said some very harsh words like 'siot'.....he kept telling that I'm so ungrateful after all deed he did to me....he said his friend was more dependable than me...n he kept using 'aku n ko'.....I'm so shock n never felt any terrible than in this time....he used to hurts me badly before but I felt never hurt worst than this time... I'm shaking n turned pale....my body got all cold....I've already feel uneasy bcoz there are thunders n raining.... I couldn't translate my feeling right now into words....more or less, I really feel want to hide in small,dark,silent wardobe... My tears doesn't stop flowing.... Its very very very much hurt....I felt my heart stuck and I breath heavily.....It begin to feel pain in my chest...I really want 2 cry out for help but my voice can't go out....I stayed like a statue n try to restabilize my breath...

I really hope he will regain his concious..... I dont think that he would be that stupid to get overmad bcoz of that bband matter....its not I doesnt want to help but I really can't.....I did try to call the operator n then the operator told me the same thing,the owner must speak himself....of course if he use a male friend ,the process can be done....at least it is male voice.....

its really hurts...........really3 hurts....

Monday, January 10, 2011

MATH MURDERS ME....

Im juz finished surfing about math difficulties just now......and there is a symptom called dyscalculia..... I haven't read entire info but I copied them into word document for future views... I think there are some symtoms that happen to me.... it quite scary when i think about what will happen to me in future...is there courses or field that I can avoid math?? That subject really killed me.... It affect my grade...thats why I've been fighting 2 do the best in other subjects so that I can cover up my math.... I'm really felt sorry 4 my math teachers..... 


I really wish I could share some good brains in math....Its very depressing lately...I got just band 3 in MUET, having exam, homesick,loneliness,uneasy about my appliance to university.....Phew......



Sunday, January 9, 2011

am I a mat to him???

Whatever I did change, small o huge, he would never able 2 see it,appreciate it...he will juz see me as same... I wonder..why I tried so much 2 change,improve myself? I want compliment from him...I want 2 hear "thats good..." maybe plus with "keep trying..".... But the reality,he just pushing me away.... He's even doesnt want my feelings.... how can it be so easy 4 him 2 think that?? Is he really love me? Does it true he is the same person I loved be4? Is he the guy that said he really loves me n saying a lots of sweet words???? He's even speak about feelings so easily...planning lower n increase d feelings.... I really wish I never loves him...I really wish I never knew him.....He just...not that person.... 


How unfair... God should make me lost my feelings to him when he's not loves me... Its very hurt seeing d person u loves gives u such cold treat...sharp words,cold eyes,frustrating responds..... Argh it hurts me SO BADLY!!!!!! God, please symphatise me.... Dont let me be with a guy that doesnt loves me.... I think I understand... he just impostering my beloved person... thinking back, there are points 4 that...when Im with that imposter, I feels so cold, uncomfort,no happy,no smile,shabby.... It too much different with Im with my real love...I feel great,cherish,peace,lots of smile,colourful!! 


I really miss that moment.... could be...I should stop thinkin of that beloved person.... He's gone..completely...he wont be able 2 be replace....not even that imposter...he just have d same face...but completely different inferior.....He even ask me 2 get rid of my feelings if I want 2 cling on him...hasnt he think for my side?? doesnt he try to understand how precious those feelings 2 me?? Cant he think how important those feelings in my life??He plan my feeling like he adjusting a volume switch on electronic devices...up n down...down n up... What is he??? An alien? my beloved person would never talk like that...El..wake up... stop waiting for that beloved person... He wont come back anymore.....forever.....

mY B!0$

My photo
Jerantut,Pahang, pahang,malaysia, Malaysia
Nothg special...Im just a girl that always hope that i can improve myself become better n better person..Pleased by everyone around me...iLy zaimer(combination of my parent's name lah)