Wednesday, January 12, 2011

confused feelings....

last night,he suddenly talk softly to me.....I'm shocked...I never expect even word "sorry" from him after what happen in the evening....he said some sweet talk.....It warmed my heart a bit...but at the same time...I'm scared.... I wonder what his objective of being so soft with me....I think lot of bad things because I scared of being disappointed again...what if it just a bait? I want to believe those sweet words I didn't feel it is safe....I knew he is the only one that can give me a feeling that anyone couldn't give...the feeling of needed by someone....the feeling of happy when someone doesn't want me to leave...feeling of being hold on....feeling of being watched a lot during having conversation or talk....happy when he always easily get excited n exaggerate when being with me...easy to feel 'geram(not 'geram' of mad)' with me...he never forget to buy me chocolate each time we have opportunity to buy it....its not the chocolate that make me happy....Im happy because he concern on me...he remember of me...he think of me....sometime I felt my tears want to get out because my heart touched but I try my best to hold it back... Only with my real naz, I can feel those feelings....but the now-he never give me that feeling...he is completely different in every aspect from the old-he...... I already lost my hope that the old-he will come back to me....I waited for too long......I'm so tired of it........

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

its very hurts......

He asked me to call Celcom to terminate his bband after it was stolen yesterday..... I have experience talking to the operator so I knew a lot of its procedure... few weeks ago my brother asked me to terminate the bband under my name that I gave to him. His friend took away the bband witout paying the bills.... my bro doesn't want my name being blacklisted so he ask me to cut off the line...he tried to call Celcom himself but the operator said that the process can be done by the owner of the bband only except if the owner was passed away... few days ago I did call Celcom and the line was cut. 

Now back to the early story...after he asked me to call the operator. I told him that the owner must speak by self... I told him it would request mother's name and the bband number other than IC number....suddenly he got mad and talk harshly to me.... He brought up that I've been borrowed his bband before n now I'm being hard to help.....he said some very harsh words like 'siot'.....he kept telling that I'm so ungrateful after all deed he did to me....he said his friend was more dependable than me...n he kept using 'aku n ko'.....I'm so shock n never felt any terrible than in this time....he used to hurts me badly before but I felt never hurt worst than this time... I'm shaking n turned pale....my body got all cold....I've already feel uneasy bcoz there are thunders n raining.... I couldn't translate my feeling right now into words....more or less, I really feel want to hide in small,dark,silent wardobe... My tears doesn't stop flowing.... Its very very very much hurt....I felt my heart stuck and I breath heavily.....It begin to feel pain in my chest...I really want 2 cry out for help but my voice can't go out....I stayed like a statue n try to restabilize my breath...

I really hope he will regain his concious..... I dont think that he would be that stupid to get overmad bcoz of that bband matter....its not I doesnt want to help but I really can't.....I did try to call the operator n then the operator told me the same thing,the owner must speak himself....of course if he use a male friend ,the process can be done....at least it is male voice.....

its really hurts...........really3 hurts....

Monday, January 10, 2011

MATH MURDERS ME....

Im juz finished surfing about math difficulties just now......and there is a symptom called dyscalculia..... I haven't read entire info but I copied them into word document for future views... I think there are some symtoms that happen to me.... it quite scary when i think about what will happen to me in future...is there courses or field that I can avoid math?? That subject really killed me.... It affect my grade...thats why I've been fighting 2 do the best in other subjects so that I can cover up my math.... I'm really felt sorry 4 my math teachers..... 


I really wish I could share some good brains in math....Its very depressing lately...I got just band 3 in MUET, having exam, homesick,loneliness,uneasy about my appliance to university.....Phew......



Sunday, January 9, 2011

am I a mat to him???

Whatever I did change, small o huge, he would never able 2 see it,appreciate it...he will juz see me as same... I wonder..why I tried so much 2 change,improve myself? I want compliment from him...I want 2 hear "thats good..." maybe plus with "keep trying..".... But the reality,he just pushing me away.... He's even doesnt want my feelings.... how can it be so easy 4 him 2 think that?? Is he really love me? Does it true he is the same person I loved be4? Is he the guy that said he really loves me n saying a lots of sweet words???? He's even speak about feelings so easily...planning lower n increase d feelings.... I really wish I never loves him...I really wish I never knew him.....He just...not that person.... 


How unfair... God should make me lost my feelings to him when he's not loves me... Its very hurt seeing d person u loves gives u such cold treat...sharp words,cold eyes,frustrating responds..... Argh it hurts me SO BADLY!!!!!! God, please symphatise me.... Dont let me be with a guy that doesnt loves me.... I think I understand... he just impostering my beloved person... thinking back, there are points 4 that...when Im with that imposter, I feels so cold, uncomfort,no happy,no smile,shabby.... It too much different with Im with my real love...I feel great,cherish,peace,lots of smile,colourful!! 


I really miss that moment.... could be...I should stop thinkin of that beloved person.... He's gone..completely...he wont be able 2 be replace....not even that imposter...he just have d same face...but completely different inferior.....He even ask me 2 get rid of my feelings if I want 2 cling on him...hasnt he think for my side?? doesnt he try to understand how precious those feelings 2 me?? Cant he think how important those feelings in my life??He plan my feeling like he adjusting a volume switch on electronic devices...up n down...down n up... What is he??? An alien? my beloved person would never talk like that...El..wake up... stop waiting for that beloved person... He wont come back anymore.....forever.....

mY B!0$

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Jerantut,Pahang, pahang,malaysia, Malaysia
Nothg special...Im just a girl that always hope that i can improve myself become better n better person..Pleased by everyone around me...iLy zaimer(combination of my parent's name lah)